The problem here is that I can't think of something that best embodies "go nowhere fast"
Effects that modify a creature's power and/or toughness without setting it will apply to the affected creatures no matter when they started to take effect
Whenever you cast an enchantment spell, create a white Spirit Cleric creature token with "This token's power and toughness are each equal to the number of Spirits you control." Whenever you cast an enchantment spell, create a white Spirit Cleric creature token with "This token's power and toughness are each equal to the number of Spirits you control." Enchantment Karametra's Blessing Target creature gets +2/+2 until end of turn
Perhaps that common is a powerful card in its own right, like Lightning Bolt
Designer Notes: Hijack your opponents' best abilities, disrupt their strategy, and sow chaos at your next game night
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